I remember having a conversation with my Mum and telling her that going to work at my banking job meant I had to “get up and put armour on everyday”.
Sounds heavy, doesn’t it?
Little did I know that I was essentially saying to my own mother, hey, I’m choosing to be inauthentic.
I was playing a game, wearing a mask and wondering why I felt so miserable. It took me forever to have the insight to realise I was choosing to go to a job that wasn’t in alignment with my values. It wasn’t something that could be blocked off, although goodness knows I tried. There was shopping, food, drinking, stress and unhealthy relationships to pull my attention away from my misery. I was choosing to show up for 37.5 hours a week for a job that made me miserable. It wasn’t because of the job. It was because I couldn’t do that job and be ME.
There were clues. I had a gazillion motivational quotes plastered on the wall behind my computer monitor that I would gaze at throughout the day and draw strength from. The unhappiness was a clue, once I started to realise that my emotions were actually a guidance system. It was asking me to come into alignment with what DID LIGHT ME UP and, therefore, made me happy.
It was a slow painful path to come to the realisation that I needed to leave.
I essentially had to shake myself down and let go of anywhere I was buying into the belief that OTHER PEOPLE knew what was good for me. The opportunity to reclaim my own power presented itself everyday. It took drawing on strength that I didn’t know I had and putting energy in to my dream that I could actually do work that I loved. I had to dive into massive faith that I could make a successful business from doing this work and that it would all be ok.
I’m so grateful I backed myself. The journey of being self employed is so satisfying. It is more fulfilling than anything I could have gained from needed to wear a mask or hold back my love of all things esoteric for fear that my banking colleagues would think I was a weirdo.
It was beyond delightful to find all the other weirdos who believe in past lives. The people who that know that they impact us here and now and are prepared to do something about it. It’s been amazing to find those people who get the cosmic joke of your being a witch in a past life and having your birthday fall on Halloween. I found those beautiful souls who are literally prepared to dance with angels and play with lightning.
I bless all the people I worked with in the bank. They taught me so much but mostly they gave me the gift of knowing that authenticity takes you closer to the Godhead.
And that’s a mighty fine place to be.
